Boldly Confident: How What You BELIEVE can Build or Destroy Your Confidence
“I am not afraid of storms for I am learning how to sail my ship.” — Louisa May Alcott, author
Confidence.
Do you have it?
Where does it come from? Are you walking boldly in it?
To be honest, most women aren’t. With all the constant comparison and competition we are flooded with and, quite frankly, almost forced to engage in, it’s really hard to be confident sometimes.
We have been taught to doubt ourselves and our abilities. We have been conditioned to believe that we are not good enough, smart enough, or capable.
When I first realized I was living my life in constant fear and worry, it was devastating. I’m going to be honest; I had a breakdown. I felt there was this huge calling on my life, and yet I was failing to live up to it. I wasn’t living purposefully, even though I was doing a lot. It wasn’t because I didn’t know what to do, I just wasn’t confident enough in my ability to do what I was being called to do.
Here's the thing about confidence – it’s really an internal construct and belief BUT we look to the external things and people to validate who we are and that what we do is good enough to be accepted. This is NOT confidence friends. This is insecurity.
Sure, success and achievement reinforce our confidence in our abilities, but true confidence comes from within. It’s a belief in our inner our own gifts and strengths. We have to come to a place where we BELIEVE that statement “I am enough.”
The brain plays an important role in confidence! Being confident means you anticipate some amount of success. This means there are chemicals in your brain priming you, making you feel good.
Did you know?
According to research at Michigan University in 2015, when you anticipate success, your brain releases a neurotransmitter called dopamine, the chemical messenger from the brain that brings the feel-good stuff. Researchers at Monash University in Melbourne, Australia, showed in 2016 that feeling confident about your decisions activates reward networks in the brain, while lack of confidence leads to increases of activity in brain regions linked to negative emotions such as anxiety – aka the amygdala, the area that senses danger. When we are anxious, our prefrontal cortex – that part of the brain where logic lives – goes offline. Then you possibly go into fight, flight, freeze or fawn. These are four ways that many people respond to stressful situations.
If you go into fight mode, you may feel a strong urge to defend yourself. You may experience feelings of anger or aggression. In flight mode, you may want to run away, to find safety. If you freeze in response to major stress, you may feel paralyzed, unable to get away, or even "numbed out" to the situation. If you go into fawn mode, you may become overly accommodating. You may begin self-sacrificing and trying to please others too much in order to avoid conflict and stress.
SO....
What does all this mean? Confidence and anxiety are competing for your actions and attention. Anxiety inclines you to retreat in avoidance of failure, while confidence propels you toward the future that you anticipate and hope will be rewarding and successful.
Most of us are slightly overconfident – men more so than women – in relation to our true abilities. And that mood-lifting, anxiety-reducing state of mind inclines us to do more of the things that are likely to make us feel that way, and therefore acts as a virtuous positive feedback loop.
The belief that you can do something therefore not only motivates you to do that thing, it also lifts your mood and lowers your anxiety, which is one way confidence works – by helping you achieve small and big goals. It also helps explain why mental health is such a major challenge during restrictive lockdowns.
We know that lifting confidence improves performance, because many studies have shown it experimentally. For example, in 2008, researchers at Emory University in Atlanta, Georgia, made students more or less confident about their physical strength by randomly telling some that they were stronger, and others that they were weaker, compared with others – irrespective of their true strength, measured using a handgrip dynamometer, a metal lever which you squeeze tight against a resisting spring. The results were striking: the high-confidence group held the grip for 30% longer than the low-confidence group. They also felt less pain and discomfort in their hands.
So, why is what you believe SO important to your level of confidence?
If you believe, for example, that you can learn to knit, you are statistically more likely to be successful! If however, the messaging you give yourself is, “I can’t do this” or “This is too hard” – you are creating this uphill battle.
As I was writing out this training, I had to laugh at myself a little because launching this very business requires me to BELIEVE I can do this. And friends….I don’t always feel that way. When I start to FEEL discouraged, my THOUGHTS follow right along – or vice versa.
Like most women, I still struggle to feel like I am enough. I still get caught in the trap at times of people pleasing thinking I can earn someone’s love or respect.
Chances are, you’ve probably fallen for that too. But you are enough! You are more than enough. You are capable of living boldly, purposefully, and confidently, and you have everything you need within you to succeed.
So, how the heck do you develop confidence like that?
Start by getting anchored.
Get re-acquainted with what you are rooted in. Is it faith, family, friends, helping others? Familiarize yourself with your faith. Are you a Jesus girl like me? Open your Bible. Read what the Word has to say about being confident in your identity. Getting anchored also means knowing who and what you value. An anchor can hold a ship in place or if it’s used incorrectly, it can capsize the boat. What are YOU anchored to?
If you are anchored to your phone or your job or are in a codependent relationship partner, are you potentially missing something great? If you are a woman of faith, are you anchored in it?
Know your strengths.
Get to know yourself a little! Do you know what you are really good at? Get easy reinforcement by recognizing and being thankful for your gifts so you can develop them further. Practicing gratitude can help reinforce within yourself your gifts and talents as well. This can also make it easier when looking at things you want to improve on, like those self-limiting beliefs.
Find your tribe.
As humans we are wired for connection and belonging. Relationships are really the key to just about everything in life. Healthy relationships can significantly nurture your confidence. Spend time with people who celebrate, encourage, and uplift you, and provide you with helpful feedback for your growth.
We don’t want you to keep faking confidence like so many women do.
So, stop trying to be like someone else, or comparing yourself to others.
Get anchored, embrace your unique qualities and be true to yourself.
The world is waiting for the awesome, confident, authentic YOU.
May you always remember you are more than enough.
Be well friends,
Missy & Emily
