Recover & Reconstruct: The Journey to Healing After Spiritual Abuse
“Shame corrodes the very part of us that believes we are capable of change.” - Brené Brown
I recently watched “Smiley Happy People: Duggar Family Secrets” on Amazon. If you’ve never heard of the Duggars, they are a family with 19 children and were made famous by TLC for their reality television show. That is, until it came out that the oldest Duggar had been molesting young girls, including touching a few of his sisters inappropriately. In this newer documentary, the filmmakers go into detail about the Duggars and their allegiance to Bill Gothard, the founder of the Institute of Basic Life Principles (IBLP).
To say that Bill Gothard is controversial is an understatement. His organization, which is supposed to be based on Biblical principles, became radical. Bill Gothard taught seven basic principles that Christians should live by: design, authority, responsibility, suffering, ownership, freedom and success. He created a homeschool network filled with booklets he called “wisdom booklets.” Children are taught what to wear, (and not wear in the case of girls, so they would not “cause men to sin”) told that secular music was from the devil himself and taught “spare not the rod” in order to cultivate a spirit of obedience in children.
As I watched this docuseries unfold, I became certain I was raised using some of these toxic and shame-based teachings. So, I called my mom and asked her – Mom did you raise me using Bill Gothard’s teachings? She said “Yes! We’d even take busses from the church to go hear him teach.”
Fortunately, my mom and I have worked through forgiveness around this but that hasn’t stopped me from feeling the lifelong impact of some of these misguided teachings. As an adult I’ve experienced shame in church due to my struggles with anxiety and depression. I’ve also seen church politics at its worst as a member of a worship team, but that’s another topic for another day.
Some may experience church hurt, spiritual or religious abuse in other ways. We know that countless women, men and children have come forward about sexual abuse, assault and harassment. We tend to think of this first when we think of spiritual abuse, but the reality is that it’s happening every day, in lots of different ways.
Many experience being shamed for struggling with mental health, divorce, sexuality, or addiction.
Others are hurt by politics and manipulative leaders within religious organizations, or concepts taught from the prosperity gospel, miracle ministries and the Word of Faith movement.
Can we just pause?
Do I really need to spell out how church hurt impacts mental health? Probably not.
So how does one recover? There is a movement currently sweeping our nation called “deconstruction” and they call themselves evangelicals or progressive Christians. I’m not here to shame this group or talk about their theology.
I’m here to present another option: Recover & Reconstruct.
To recover a person needs support. Church leaders have failed people with condescending sermons and rhetoric about how faith and prayer will heal your anxiety, depression and other emotional issues.
Here’s the thing though - church leaders are people. People fail. God does not.
It’s taken me a while to accept this – that church leaders fail people and hurt people. It just seems that when they do it’s SO much worse. They get crucified by the media and by the church itself.
The solution to so much of this is staying curious as we get to know others and extending the grace and compassion of Jesus. It also means extending grace to ourselves if we need to heal from church hurt.
It is ok to be angry with God, to ask questions, to wonder why bad things happen. I promise – God can take it. You may even be reading this and be saying that you are done with God and the church or maybe you’re done with the church and not God.
Whatever your experiences are, whatever your choices are during this season – it’s ok. I’m not going to tell you to have more faith, pray harder or to forgive whoever has wronged you on demand. Healing is a journey….and it’s YOUR journey. No one gets to take that from you. We all heal differently and will even come to different conclusions around faith, forgiveness and church.
So how do you recover and reconstruct? Here are my suggestions.
Seek knowledge. Gain an understanding of church hurt and spiritual/religious abuse. You will find different definitions, perspectives and experiences that will help you define your hurt.
Find a coach or counselor. Seeking professional help can help you explore your thoughts and feelings in a safe space. A coach will help you move forward with decisions and goals. A coach can also teach you skills such as coping skills and managing thoughts and feelings. A professional counselor will process trauma with you. Coaches cannot diagnose or use your insurance. A counselor will provide a diagnosis and can use your insurance. Check out more about the difference between a coach and counselor here.
Embrace self-compassion. Healing and growing are hard work. There is no one perfect way to do it either. Some days you will feel like you can see the light at the end of the tunnel. Other days you will wonder if you will ever feel better. Self-compassion is being kind to yourself, just like you would be kind to a friend.
Get connected with others who are ok with your questions. We all have questions about our spirituality and life in general from time to time. We have experiences, thoughts, and feelings that we just can’t seem to make sense of. Find places and people that welcome your questions and help you on your journey to find answers. If you aren’t sure where to start looking, I welcome you to check out my Facebook group Anchored & Ambitious Women of Faith!
Set boundaries. How much access are you allowing others to have to you, and how are they using that access? Boundaries don’t work so well when you place them around others, because we can’t really control what others do. But when we set boundaries around ourselves; and limit the access we allow others who misuse our resources, we can love others exactly where they are without damaging ourselves.
Advocate for yourself and others. When you’re ready, get involved and use your voice wherever it can be heard. Attending board meetings, congregation meetings, kids’ and women’s programming, and community outreach programs are all ways to make change and have an impact, which can bring awareness to and stop the cycle of spiritual and religious abuse.
Explore ways to build healthy spiritual practices. Spend some time getting connected with your deepest self. You might reflect on your spirituality through meditation or prayer or spend time reading sacred texts or other books about spirituality and journal about your reactions to what you read. You might attend a new kind of religious service, or listen to a podcast, or take more time to be in nature. Your spiritual self-care plan is uniquely yours.
The journey of recovering from spiritual abuse is a courageous and transformative one. Through the process outlined above, we can heal our wounded spirits and reveal our authentic inner selves. By acknowledging the pain, and gaining an understanding of it, we take the first steps toward healing and growth. Show yourself grace and compassion, as this path is not a linear one, but know that you are not on this journey alone!
To your Healing,
Missy Jane
